My goal this week is to not be ruled by my emotions, which had excellent timing because I’ve been kind of grouchy this week and feeling the need to act on these negative feelings. It may be hard to believe but I am actually a pretty cheerful person, and probably 80% of my bad moods have some physical cause (lack of sleep, illness, etc) which I am starting to recognize more clearly. It’s actually kind of cool the way the body let’s you know what it needs.
Anyways, woke up Monday in a fierce angry mood, and one poor person—who I have been feeling frustrated with on a good day—became my target. My feelings turned 180 (for the worse) and I was ready to cut them out of my life (I didn't actually do anything, but I thought about it). By Tuesday, I realized my feelings might be exaggerated, or even completely false. So I’m biding my time. It may turn out that it’s time to move away from this person after all, or it may turn out that in a day or so I don’t feel this way at all. But because I’m actively trying to determine what my body and mind are doing, I’m avoiding doing things that I will regret down the road.
Does this happen to anyone else? I feel like I’m sounding a bit bi-polar.
New things so far:
Graded my first reader submission for the journal I’m working with. And I gave it a terrible grade. I feel a little bad, but it was actually a terrible paper. But it made me excited to be an editor.
Paid my first utility bill through the gas company…and it hurt. And I’ll even be reimbursed ¾ of it by my roommates. I don’t know how grown ups do it.
I made it through my entire French class today without giving the wrong answer or looking stupid*. I can honestly say this hasn’t happened before. I think I’m getting better!
This didn’t happen this week, but last semester I went for my first ride on a scooter! It was really fun but really scary (we were going like 15 miles an hour…maybe) but I kept thinking I was going to topple off. Not to mention I was on the back, so I had no control, although Tara is a pro and I had nothing to be scared of.
I also got my first smart phone this week! It’s pretty awesome, I spent 3 hours on it when I first got it. The novelty is starting to wear off but it is really convenient and works so well! It’s some Samsung cheap thing (no i-phone for me just yet) but I still like it. And feel like I belong to the masses. Although really I just like “Words With Friends.”
I officially need to work out a budget. Like, a real budget. This is the first time I’ve taken the idea seriously.
I think that’s all. Someday I’ll start taking pictures so there is something interesting to look at on this blog.
*An example: The other day we were supposed to describe with a partner how early we get up on Saturday morning and why. However, I thought it said Sunday morning. So I said I get up at 8 because I have church at 9, and the girl looked at me and was like, “Really, you have church? Are you Jewish (not that there’s anything wrong with that)?” (She said it in perfect French) And I was like…“What?” Yeah. Ridiculous.
Okay, today’s I’ve-never-done-this-before is brought to you by running late to school. I mentioned I’ve been sick, so the thought of climbing the hill to campus was less than appealing at 8:45 this morning. Also, my first class is in the basement in the farthest corner of the farthest building from my apartment (how did that happen? still not sure). So when the bus blew past me when I was still a block away from the stop, I was sad. I was annoyed. I was grouchy. And I knew I would be late to class and not feel too hot after cruising across campus when I can’t breathe. Now, I needed to be to class and be on time because I have missed this class twice now in the first 2 ½ weeks of the semester (not proud of this fact. one was due to illness).
Anyways, I orient toward campus and begin the trek, literally thinking in my head “I hate this day!” Within the next 30 seconds a gray mini van pulls over and a nice looking middle aged lady asks me where the Wilkinson Center is. It’s hard to explain how to get there, there are a lot of turns and then a weird parking situation. So as I stood there stumbling over my words and not sure how to explain it and feeling frustrated that I’m losing valuable time, I looked at her, I looked at her car, and I said, “I have a really strange question. Can I just get in with you and show you how to get there? It’s kind of hard and I’m running late anyways.” And guess what? She was beyond grateful. She had been driving around for half an hour looking for the place. She was very nice and apologetic that her car was messy from travelling and I assured her that I didn’t mind at all. We got the to Wilk, I got to class on time, and I was cheerful the rest of the day. SO
Old Emily: Would have given tricky directions, and then mumbled and grumbled the rest of the day about being late to class and how I have the worst luck in the world.
2012 Emily: Takes a chance, helps someone out, gets what she needs, and is happier for it.
See, I would not beg him for a ride. Unless it really was Tim Curry. I would go anywhere with Tim Curry.
And no, I will not be bumming rides off of every stranger I encounter. But she really did not come across as a serial killer, and I’ve seen a LOT of Criminal Minds episodes. I know how to spot them.
Another first: I was running late this morning so I dried 70% of my hair and then…put it in a PONY TAIL! I’ve been waiting 10 months for this luxury!! It’s getting loooooong!!! And yes, I look like a hot mess today, but at least my hair isn’t stringy and in my face. Until next time! <3
This is going to be short and sweet and not exciting. After my last blog post I got sick, which has wreaked some havoc on how often I leave my bedroom and therefore am exposed to opportunities to try new things. But here’s a little list of some new things I’ve done:
Watched “Lion King” in Spanish. They did a fabulous job dubbing it! Also available in French, but I was outvoted.
Set up utilities in my name like a grown up.
Turned on the natural gas to my apartment (yay!) and by that I mean Tara and I called our friend Spencer the Mechanical Engineer who came and turned it on and lit some pilot lights for us. Thanks Spencer! Using your connections is another type of resourcefulness, right?
I made these crazy good chocolate chocolate chip cookies 100% from scratch. You should know that cookies are my nemesis. I can make most things (pies excluded) but cookies are hit or miss. But these, these were awesome. And I gave most of them away, which was even better!
My baditude resurfaced a little last night but by bed time I recovered. Other than that, staying positive is going well despite this stupid cold.
I also started reading “21 Days Closer to Christ,” which a friend was kind enough to lend me. I started it yesterday but I was half passed out (due to my cold, not that it was boring) when I did it so I might restart tonight.
Anyways, that’s all for now. Not the ground breaking post I had hoped for but it will do for now :)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
As I write this, I'm having an epiphany. Bear with me, I get in these moods and there's no getting out. The tragedy is that this epiphany is prompted by my FINALLY watching the Christmas episode of Glee. I know, I know. I like Glee. My stock of Glee merchandise is growing (I've only ever bought myself one shirt, the rest have been gifts) and I scoff at myself but if you ask me when a song was sung I can tell you which episode and under which situation, and I still get giddy with 85% of the episodes. I can't help it. But that is not the point of this post. So, I wish I had watched this episode sooner because it had a fairly cliche christmas message but one that I wish I had internalized sooner. Last year they had a Grinch theme, and this year was a Charlie Brown Christmas type message, ie the true meaning of Christmas. It was cute. Some parts were annoying. I still love Rachel and Finn and I can't help it. So as I'm laying snuggled in my bed because we forgot to get our gas service renewed and we won't have heat until next week (ha!) I watch this closing number:
My good friend Brianna sent me multiple texts over Christmas because every time she heard or saw this song it reminded her of me because I love Glee and I love Africa and I love this song. But before you start thinking I'm a better person than I am, let me qualify that by saying I am very interested in Africa, as in I love to watch movies about Africa, read books, I love learning about 21st/20th Century Africa and the history and the politics and the stories about the people. But I've never been to Africa, and it's not even in my top 5 places I would go to if given the chance (not that i would turn down a trip, I just have my sights set on Europe). I have a humanist interest, but not a human interest. Does that make sense?
I think there are two colleges at BYU that are primarily concerned with people: Social Sciences and Humanities. The Social Sciences are about action: learning about what has gone on, what is going on, and what you can do to be apart of it and contribute in some way. The Humanities are a little different as they study people in a more passive sense; they look at what people have done, what ideas and principles lay at the core of these actions, and they look at trends. Their accomplishments lay in knowing things, Social Sciences lay in doing things. I'm not saying that this is universally true, or a bad thing, I am naturally inclined to the Humanities faction and I love it and can see it spill over into many different aspects of my life. After last semester I now understand and value the modernist/post-modernist movements in the arts and have a love for Virginia Woolf and her insane writing. How many of you can say that, huh? But as I watched that video I got a little choked up because I always get a little choked up over just about anything and I thought to myself, this song doesn't represent me, because I don't do things, and that song is about doing and thinking differently. I know things and I appreciate things and that's about it. Okay, I'm going to come back to this in a minute.
So, I will be the first to admit that I have been a Debbie Downer these past few weeks (hilarious SNL clip). It has a little to do with life changing around me while I sit still, and a lot to do with turning 24. I don't know why but this birthday hit me like a wrecking ball. And it's not so much getting old, but what I haven't accomplished at this point. I have not finished school, or even gotten into the practical curriculum of my major (graduating April 2013, fingers crossed!) I am not married nor do I have prospects on the horizon. I'm just as broke and tired and frustrated as I have been the last few years, but at 24 it doesn't feel okay to be that way anymore. Which I think is the core of my problem. The way I'm feeling about everything.
I was talking with a friend a couple nights ago and it has really stuck in my mind. I do not know this friend very well, we've only known each other a couple of months. But I love hearing him talk because everything he says, no matter what the situation and without fail, has a positive spin on it. I've heard him tell stories that range from serious trials to lighthearted annoyances and every time he adds, "but they are a really good person" or "but it could have been worse," etc. Not only that, it is a genuine statement, not just a tacked on, cover-your-bases-with-a-"nice"-blanket statement. I don't know that he even realizes he does it. Regardless, it has made an impression on me. And as we chatted the other night and he said really positive things about just about everything, and I (realized in retrospect) whined about all the not-that-hard things in my life that have me down, I thought, "How amazing to see life like that." and then while I was watching Glee I thought "Why don't I try harder to make my life awesome?" Really, my life is not bad. I sleep on a Glee pillow case (a gift!), and some people sleep outside because they don't have homes. My walls are covered in black and white posters of Paris and while I haven't been there yet, I know about it because I have had a top notch education and if I made it my top priority, I would have a 100% chance of visiting in the near future. These are good odds! The fact that I have so much time to sit around and stew over better uses of my time is a good indicator that my life is pretty cushy.
SO. What's the point? The point is, I want to take a human interest in things. I want to be doing. What is my plan? Well, I will need your help for this, because I have always been a sucker for peer pressure. Every day I want to do something I've never done before. It can be small, such as saying hi to someone who looks like they could use a hi (for reals, never done it) or it can be big. It can make a difference for others, or it can be a slight convenience for myself. Hopefully it will be a mix of everything. As long as it is something new. I won't plan it, but just go with what I'm brought that day.
BUT. There's more. I'm going to be setting weekly and monthly goals to make it interesting. Par example:
This week: Be in a good mood for 7 days. It doesn't have to be an organic good mood, it can be forced as long as it is there. Cut back on negative comments. Give more compliments. Think about the people around me.
This month: Follow through. I am SUCH a flake and I quit when things get hard/uncomfortable. And I hate this about myself. So? My first order of business is to keep this project going for at least 30 days (overall goal 1 year) in order to improve my ability to follow through on my commitments.
AND. And I will be blogging. It may be short, I will likely be busy, but I want to keep track of this and blog more. Who knows, maybe I will get a book/movie option out of it ;) jk
WELL. Well, what is my ultimate goal? My goal is to have the best year of my life. It is to get uncomfortable, to get organized, to get interesting. So, enough thinking, and feeling, and writing. It's time to get a life!
Today: Today I washed my roommate's hair in the kitchen sink with water we boiled on the stove (no natural gas, remember?). I can honestly say I've never done that before. Pictures to follow (someday).
-------
A poem I wrote for my creative writing class that I think sums up my sentiments exactly:
Writer’s Block
I went to write about love,
but it wasn’t wooing me
I went to write about injustice,
but it wasn’t wronging me
I went to write about art,
but it wasn’t wowing me
I went to write about pain,
but it wasn’t wounding me
I went to write about joy,
but it wasn't welcoming me
I went to write about triumph
but it wasn’t winning me
I went to write about religion,
but it wasn’t wracking me
I went to write about awareness,
but it wasn’t wakening me
I went to write about life
but it wasn’t waiting on me
“Provo girl found dead in hallway after accidental drowning”
What could prompt a headline like that, you might ask? Well, let me tell you about my night a few weeks ago. My poor roommates have already heard this story 4 or 5 times, but it’s a pretty good one.
So after a late night of homework I fell gratefully into bed around 12:30 and slept soundly. My slumber was disturbed, however, and I awoke at 1:30. I realized I felt pretty unwell. I dragged myself out of bed and out to the hall bathroom (which is approximately 5 or 6 steps from my bedroom door) so I can do an illness assessment in the light without disturbing my roommate. In reality, it went something like this:
Me (after opening my eyes a crack): “ugh…bathroom…” *thump* *stagger*. Because I am in reality only half awake. At this point you should know that this clever narrator of yours turns into an illogical whack job when only half conscious. Let’s keep going.
I get to the bathroom and decide that I should take some medicine and get back into bed ASAP. To me at this point getting back into bed is a life or death situation because a)I don’t feel good and b) every functioning intellectual pathway in my brain is saying “I must go back to sleep. Right. Now.” Easy enough, right? No. My biggest struggle still lay ahead of me.
The medicine I needed was sitting on my dresser, in a nice impossible-to-open, individually wrapped plastic square. And I was still in the bathroom. But if I went in my room, I needed to get back into bed. But before I could, I needed that pill. But to take the pill, I needed water. Which was in the bathroom. Which is where I was, but I didn’t have anything to put the water in to get it to the bedroom. I was stuck. I kid you not, this was my thought process. I sat for a moment, pondering the injustice of it all in the face of my deep desire to get back into bed.
I never once considered walking the 20 feet to the kitchen sink which would have as many glasses as I could ask for, just waiting to be filled with cool, portable water. I also never considered walking into my room, grabbing the medicine, and walking back to the bathroom. While this was a feat that could have been accomplished in under 30 seconds, it was unfathomable. Because any and all forward motion on my part must be focused on getting me back into bed. I had no other option. Despair began to settle in.
But then, a miracle! An additional little neuron in my brain rousted itself from sleep and whispered to me, “You, Emily, you can transport the water! In your mouth.” How could I have been so blind? The answer had lain right in front of me the the entire time! It was simple, really. All I had to do was to fill my cupped hands with water, slurp it into my mouth, and then make my way to the bedroom, pop the pill in with the water, swallow, and then climb victorious into my bed where I would find rest and good health restored to me. I nearly cried at the beauty and simplicity of it! Well, I got very excited, at least.
My cheer restored, I happily filled my hands and then mouth with water, flipped off the light, and worked my way down the incredibly short hallway to my bedroom. But then a funny thing happened. I…couldn’t breathe. Oh no! In my half-dazed joy I had forgotten that for the last ten years I have been unable to breathe very well through my nose (my doctor suspects a deviated septum) and tonight it was especially difficult. I could feel the panic begin to rise. I couldn’t breathe through my mouth, because it was full of water. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, because I just couldn’t. I was going to die…
Wait! There must be a solution! I wouldn’t go out that easily. I was a fighter. And there was a solution. “Swallow the water,” you might say. “Turn around and go back into the bathroom and spit it out,” you suggest. “Remember the kitchen with the cups?” you ask. I didn’t remember. In fact, none of these basic options ever struck me as viable, because I couldn’t turn around at any cost. Even if that cost was my life. What was my plan, then? Move faster. Get in and beat this thing before it beat me. I forced my paralyzed-with-fear self onward toward the goal. As I moved, I choked. I spluttered. I snorted, trying to open up an air way in my stubborn nose. The impossible breaths came faster as the panic rose and the need for oxygen pressed down on me.
I made it into my room. My roommate’s prostrate form lay before me in the dark. Good, she’s still asleep. I didn’t want to wake her up, but I was still coughing and choking around the water in my mouth and forcing tiny amounts of air through my blocked nasal passages. I stumble over to my dresser. Success! I found the pill. The pill that will make me feel better and justify everything I had been through that night. I was moments from my goal of being back asleep in bed, the whole ordeal behind me. But now I must wrestle said pill from its absurd packaging. WHO thought this plastic/foil contraption was a good idea?? At this point my hands are shaking, my lungs are screaming, and hope is fleeting. I find that I am not, after all, ready to give it all up. You know. Life.
And then, another miracle. The pill came free. I hurriedly popped it into my mouth and did something I should have done so many times before: I swallowed. Air flooded my lungs. My head cleared. Happiness returned. I crawled back into bed and was instantly asleep.
The next day I was casually talking with another roommate about how her night had gone. She had hung out with a boy until 3:30 that morning! At the mention of that, my night of shame washed over me in a horrific tidal wave. Had they come back here to the apartment at all? Were they in the living room at the time of my great struggle?? Had they heard me in effect drowning myself in the hallway? But they had not been there. There were no witnesses. My dignity, such as it was, was in tact. Such as it was...
And that, friends, is how I nearly died from drowning in the hall.
Um…hello! I bet you are relieved to find that I am in fact not dead! (all two of you that read my blog) I’ve had the urge to blog forever but never seem to have enough time, although I don’t feel like my schedule is full of particularly pressing items. Anyway, I don’t have any personal pictures, hopefully I can do some of that over Thanksgiving, but here’s a lil update for you!
Today is kind of a big deal as it marks the first day of the LAST FOUR WEEKS OF CLASS!!!!!!! I’m fairly certain that I will have straight B's this semester, due in part to a complete mental breakdown mid-semester the same week as 2 papers and 2 tests. But B's are nothing to be ashamed of, right? I’m supes ready to get this semester over with, except two of my besties, namely Allyson and Brianna, are leaving me forever and I’m not at all okay with it. So this Christmas will be a little bittersweet. I am also getting two new roommates next semester which freaks me out. I can’t even describe how much I love my living situation right now. I love all my roommates. I love our apartment. I love our friends across the hall with whom we share an open-door policy. I’m beginning to love our ward. We have a great dynamic right now and I’ll be sad to see it go. But, c’est la vie, n’est-ce pas?
Speaking of beginning to love my ward, we’ve really ramped up our social lives the past few weeks and it’s fabulous. If you made a chart of when my grades began to dip below the 90% mark it would match up perfectly with when I started to play more. This is fine by me. Turns out there are some fun people to be found if you look for them.
In other news, I have a new niece and nephew named Caitlyn and Ethan! Congrats to my big bros and wives Jeff and Kathy and Steve and Melissa, respectively. And sometime next month Dave and Kristy are expecting twin boys!! I’m dying to see them. By the end of the year there should be FIFTEEN grandkids in my family! This is definitely a perk of being the youngest as I get to really have a fun relationship with my siblings’ kids before I have my own. Downside? Good names are slipping out of my reach every time another one is born.
I got a second calling on Sunday as a compassionate service committee member, which is the calling I had all last school year. I enjoy it, it reminds me how much I love to help people and take a step out of my own world. I get so absorbed in my own life that I forget things are going on around me sometimes (hence no blog post in 3 months). I am also a visiting teacher supervisor which is a fairly low-intensity calling. It was a huge adjustment going from RS Pres to that, and being out of the loop on everything and knowing nobody. I really missed it the first month or so. But we have a great presidency and it’s been good to have a break from the stress. I feel like I am a better person when I have more demanding callings, so I definitely miss that aspect of it, but that just means I need to work harder to be a good person all the time.
Okay, drive by highlights of the semester so far:
-Realizing that I’m actually learning things in my classes and might possibly be getting smarter, or at least more knowledgable.
-Some really awesome games of Catchphrase.
-Loooong talks with my roomies.
-Being “by far the funniest person” Ali Fredrickson has ever met. Haha.
-Finding out I love to sew.
-Turning my living room into my personal crafting area (aka disaster zone) for two weeks as I made my Halloween costume (and having amazingly tolerant roommates).
-Having a genuinely fun weekend with my parents and also my brother Matt and his family.
-BYU vs. USU game with Bri: miracle comeback! I’ve never screamed so much in my life. We were so excited, you would have thought BYU had won the Superbowl.
-Being told by my professor that if I work a bit harder I could be one of the best writers in our class.
-Getting the funding I needed to go to school and feeling truly blessed in my endeavors and opportunities by a loving Heavenly Father.
-Knitting parties at my place.
-Making new friends and doing my best to stay in touch with old ones.
-Laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.
It’s been a pretty good semester so far.
What I’ve currently been…
Reading:
A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams, Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf, Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe (Don’t I sound smart?)
Watching:
TV: Glee, Castle, Modern Family, Psych. Honorable Mentions: Parenthood, Bones.Movies(this last weekend): Planes, Trains, and Automobiles; Water for Elephants (I’m still in love with this movie!)
Doing:
Work, School, Play (in that exact order every day)
Eating:
Tara made to-die-for Tortellini Soup yesterday and I made adorable cupcakes that are decorated like little turkeys. But the usual fare looks something like bagels, poptarts, and granola bars. I heart school.
Loving:
The fall weather, all the mini-parties we’ve been hosting, the holiday season,learning about literature, being almost done with learning about literature for another semester.
Writing:
Mini research papers about early Christianity (for my religion class), a research paper about Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, and a letter to my cute little missionary penpal who I have chosen to think of as a little brother so I don’t feel weird.
Dreading:
Taking French 201 next semester, yikes! If you can’t find me over Christmas break it’s because I will be locked in a room with my 101/102 textbook trying to relearnverb tenses and basic vocab. But I’m excited to get back into it. Maybe.
My exciting news before I wrap this up: I don't have any pictures handy, but I would officially categorize my hair as being a bob. I did it! I survived stage one!!!! My name is Emily Hodgen and I have successfully been overcoming a pixie cut for 8 months now. Boom.
Ok not really, but this post is about rhyming couplets and dreams. First let's talk dreams.
I've been having crazy ones lately. Like the one where it was "Pretty Woman" set in Regency times. Or the amnesia one I mentioned. Or the tragic throat slitting one. I think my mind is under-stimulated without school. Last night the first one played out like some crazy foreign indie drama. I don't remember specifics but it involved a very strange looking foreign man who possibly worked for a priest running around doing things and had a bizarre message.
Then I dreamed that I was with some friends, or a cousin and her friends...I don't know. None of the people are actually real. But anyways, these chicks were bad news and I was stuck tagging along. Like, so bad they took grocery bags into a department store and just started filling them with stuff that they wanted to steal! Holy cow! So I was like "Yo, listen, you do whatever you want, that's cool, but I'm not going to do this." And then I turn around and there's the department store manager with a $7,000 gift certificate for me as a reward and as a way to promote business (?) So I get super excited thinking about what I'll buy, and the bad girls are all jealous. Why they aren't in jail, I'm not sure. But mostly I'm excited because they have an Aveda hair salon in the store (once again...what?) and I'm going to get my hair cut and dyed professionally and expensively. Awesome. That one I did not care to wake up from.
Moving along...did you know I wrote a rap about Colin Powell? Yeah, NBD, just threw down some rhymes. Well, when I worked at the Utah Neurological Clinic (UNC) we went to this motivational seminar, and he was one of the speakers. He talked about growing up in Harlem and overcoming obstacles, and also about how every member of a team is important. Example: the little migrant worker who cleaned his office in the white house made his job possible. I mean, he probably could have cleaned it himself or just not made a mess if we get right down to it, but for the sake of the take-home message we'll roll with it.
Anyways, afterward we had to do presentations at work on something we learned at the seminar. Some people made posters. Some of the posters had graphs or inspirational sayings. And then there's me and my friend Bri. We decide to rap, out of respect (and class stereotyping) of Colin's humble beginnings. Because we're ballin' like that. I write it and she comes over and we practice and practice and practice, much to the chagrin of my roommates. But we get the sucker down. And the day of we dress in black with sunglasses and yellow bandanas around our heads and we perform for the entire staff of the clinic. And they look at us with blank stares and clap half-heartedly. Whatev...you couldn't have done it! Just kidding, I love those people. But they really didn't know what to make of us. Anyways, I stumbled upon the lyrics as I cleaned out my gmail inbox for the first time in 2 years (and deleted 1600 emails. Yeah) and wanted to share. So that it would be preserved for posterity, you know?
so the rhythm (not the rhyming) is something liiiike a-b,a-b, c-c, c, c-c. At least the first line is, and then it sort of takes on a life of it's own after that. And the chorus is the tune of the chorus to Akon's Don't Matter. Enjoy!
Check this, up next is our man Colin
On the mean streets of Harlem he used to be rollin’
But now he flyin’ high, he’s up there on top
It’s all because the boy would not stop
Started off as a homeboy his outlook scary
But he dreamed big, was state secretary
The moral is kids – who cares where you start
It’s where you end up – just gotta have heart
Chorus:
You may have gotten off to a rough start
But it don’t matter, no
It’s where you end
The house was white, the flag stars and stripes
Col’ had the whole, he was doin’ a’right
But what would he do without the tight crew
That made his pad sparkle just like morning dew?
Straight up he’d crash cause we all need our peeps
From the bosses high up to the bros who push the sweeps
